Chillax

Nov. 2, 2011

I am angry at myself right now.  I feel so stupid.  So dumb.  So weird.  Do I need to remind myself that it’s very impossible?  Is this another joke on me?  Whatever is going on I know for sure that this has got to stop.  I need to stop.  For good.

FACTS:

While I’m making a fool out of myself,
While I’m constantly thinking about things,
While I’m busy planning,
The fact still remains…
THAT

1. It’s IMPOSSIBLE!
2. How many times should life tell you that he can never be with you through thick and thin?
3. Pushing it will only make you look like a fool.
4. Do you like it being a one-woman army?
5. You will forever be ignored unless he has no other choice!
6. Pampalipas-oras ka lang!
7. Since when did you become a relationship-wrecker?
8. With what you’ve become, would you like to end up as a rag?

Most importantly,
YOU ARE ALREADY HURTING THE ONE WHO TRULY LOVES YOU!

The best thing to do:
Don’t give in to the temptation.
He himself knows this is just a test.
He knows, so he is stable.
You know, yet you choose to do what’s wrong!

Stopping in an instant is indeed easier said than done. So let go slowly but surely. One at a time. Until you are completely over it. Here’s a list:

1. ditch the number
2. isang tanong isang sagot whenever he feels like communicating with you
(believe me, he’s only doing it when he sees you because that’s the only time that he remembers you)
3. umiwas…naturally…
(if fate says your roads will cross, let it be, indi nga….kadiri ka na!)

Now that the plan is carefully laid out, time to materialize it…right away!

Oct. 27, 2011

I thought I will no longer visit this page.  I was wrong.  A lot has happened since the last time I’ve decided not to write here as much as possible.

Bisan diri daw indi ko macompose akon inugsulat.  Kung sa status pa, IT’S COMPLICATED   Let me take things one at a time para bisan diri man lang I could clear my mind…

I have been missing a lot from my priorities – work, plans, personal affairs, etc.  Simply because of some stupid decisions I made in my life.  Hurting the only person who love me for some stupid FRIENDSHIP kuno.  Messing my schedule because I chose not to prioritize wisely.  Wrong sacrifices.  Hasty decisions.  These and more…Kelangan gid ni kay-uhon tanan ASAP.

Apr. 26, 2011

It’s been a while since I wrote here.

Now, I’m trying to be strong…trying to let go…trying very hard not to feel angry…trying to hold on to the truth that HIS justice never fails.

But I can’t help but feel bad every time I see them having a good time. Daw sa wala lang sa ila ba! Daw sa wala lang sila naagrabyado. Makes me wonder how they can afford to eat, sleep, laugh, and live?

Forgive me GFA if my heart and my mind keep saying the same prayer for their falldown I’m sorry. To be honest, I want him ZERO, him toppled down for his arrogance and Judas-like attitude, him for his attitude, her for the betrayal. I’m sorry.

Sakit sa dughan, GFA. I know nga samatang ako galalain diri sila ya gapakasadya.

Patience. I know may sarili ka man nga “due process”. Dugay man pero I know your justice will never fail.

Kada sakit sang dughan, gutok sang dughan, and luha ko, ipray ko na lang…

Feb. 9, 2011

Siling ko gid, mareact gid sya…and saw that another one reacted too!  CONFIRMED!!!  But I’m confused, masadyahan bala ako because confirmed ang hinuha ko or masubuan ako kay again I fell into the trap of fake friends?

I wrote it all.  Then I was OK.  Then I was ready to give another chance.  Only to find out another batch of lies.  Friend?  Friend pa bala kita?  Sige, kung dira ka masadya, pagustuhan ta ka.

Now I’m disappointed…indi para sa iban but sa self ko.  Uto uto ko mo!!! Humok ilong! Why can’t I just learn to live on my own?  Ngaa kelangan ko pa magbulig?  Dipuga, pagkatapos sang patalikud nga banat mayo pa ko?  Lord, please…tama na…indi ko kelangan maging santa…Bisan alone basta I’m at peace…But if this is how YOU are teaching me some lessons please Lord ipakita na sa akon ang lesson na dapat ko ilearn…sakit sakit na ginahimo nila…they’re like parasites slash leeches!!!

Feb. 3, 2011

Dear Friend 1,

Kung talagang plano mong makipagkita, kung talagang gusto mong makibonding, never paasa naman your friend.  Darating daw tapos sasagot ng OO sa kasunduang magkikita tapos mang-iindian?  Bad trip ka!  Di mo kasi alam gaanong adjustment sa schedule ang ginagawa ng iba para lang mapagbigyan ka.  Ang akala mo kasi ikaw lang ang busy-busyhan sa lupang ito.  Feeling successful masyado?  Kala mo isang click mo lang on-call 24/7 ang tao for you?  Wag maging OA kasi nagmumukha ka ng “muhaw-muhaw”!!!  Namag-uhan? Duh!  I hate saying these things to you pero mukhang insensitive ka naman.  Kaya papadama ko na lang sa ‘yo!  I can be your best friend, but I can also be your worst enemy!

Dear Friend 2,

Linta ka ba? Sipsip ka lang nang sipsip ng dugo e.

Kami pag may gagawin, sariling sikap.  Wag ka naman masyadong pahalata na wala kang “U” or “B”!!!

Sorry GFA sa mga nasabi ko or masasabi ko pa.  Sakit sakit na ng ginagawa nila e!  Kelan ba nila mararamdamam na nasasaktan ako??? Nasasanay na sila…kasi di pa nila siguro nakita na nagagalit ako…in that case, today is the best day for them to see the hurt me…

Jan. 2, 2011

It’s the second day of the new year, my first day at a place I call my second home.  Due to too much excitement in addition to the fact that I will surely have no more time for pic-uploading the next day, I finish uploading photos (in haste).  Gosh! For Christmas & New Year 2011 alone, I was able to update a general album and one new album!  Awesome!

Then suddenly, something saddened me – the though that some people whom I call friends would surely feel disgusted or at least “suya” or might as well envious of these photos.  So what should I do?  Not upload anything at all for their happiness?  Unfair!

Seconds after this absolutely evil thought a comment from an old friend way back in HS came in asking – in a very blant manner – the location of my newly-uploaded photos.  I answered right away and his again more blant thank you came in a split of a second.

Sometimes, the ghosts of one’s pasts just haunt her back.  Recalling what kind of life I had almost a decade ago made me realize several things: (1) I wasn’t lucky enough to be born rich thus I had to struggle hard and in addition I had to borrow money from “friends” whom I will forever value and cherish; (2) I’ve made some wrong decisions in my life that made me look disgusting and not worthy of any respect.   Curious what this thing is?  You can get the answer from #1.  And finally, (3) I have failed some friends, ruined their trust, and because of my wrong decisions I broke some friendship bonds.

I’m not blaming money for all of these.  In fact, I take full responsibilities of my actions.  The sad thing is, some people, when it comes to money, can look at you as if you’re just a speck of a dust.  No absolution.  No forgiveness.  No reconciliation.  Until now, some of them are still…can’t find the exact word.

I can feel his disgust.  Their dismay especially her insulting words strike me bull’s eye.  But despite all of these, I am standing up, no matter how difficult it is.

I wanted to find my place.  A place where I can start all over again and eventually forget about my past.  GFA gave me one small place and then another.  Unfortunately, it appears like I cannot escape from my past no matter what.  Due to similarities in the field of study, our worlds still meet.  Since we belong in the same old group, we our worlds still cross.

At this time, I am sad…It appears like, one wrong move I made in the past, made me suffer for the rest of my life.  And I wondered if there’s still room for “starting over again from scratch”.  If yes that’s possible, hope GFA could give me some clues as to how I can start working on it.  Do I have to face them?  Do I have to say sorry in person?  Considering the kind of pain I inflicted on them and the kind of personality they have, I’m presently clueless.  However, if at some point in our life our roads would cross, I will put my trust onto Him for I know that He will shield me from their insults and anger.

As of now, the most that I can do is accept the blows, smile at their words, pretend that I didn’t hear them, most especially, focus on my new life.

Sometimes I think that they hate me now because of the development in my life.  They might find it impossible and unacceptable seeing me coming out from rags to riches.  Gosh!  I’m far from that.  For now, to start the year right, I guess I’ll have to do what’s right and clean up all the mess that I’ve created.  I have to deal with things right before moving on.

Dec. 27, 2010

I never thought I’d be writing here during the Holidays.  It’s the happiest time of the year!  Some people are just too clever they could get into my nerve…But sad to say that I admit, this is all my fault…because I tolerated them…I allowed them to hurt me…I allowed them to make a fool out of myself…But as the year ends, a new me will flourish.  No more yes-yes goodie-goodie cheerful Jacqui.  Even if this will mean changing my wardrobe and changing all my friends

Just this month I was really hurt thinking about what they’re doing…I just pray that I’m wrong but no matter what angle I look into, I still see the same – competition, unhealthy competition.  If they were true friends, they should have been happy for me – through comments, likes, etc.  But no they weren’t.  They can ignore me and all, I can do exactly the same.  This is not vengeance.  But a call for me to ponder on what I’ve always believed: Know where you’re welcome and know where you’re not.

Just today, a friend…a very UNPROFESSIONAL FRIEND who claims to be superman stood me up.  How stupid I was to believe that I was part of his trip plans.  Right.  I was stupid because I implement that plan myself without knowing that I was just part of the freebie, the waiting list.  But I was hurt.  The fact still remains that HE said YES and I forgot that there was the “MAYBE” factor after his POSITIVE reply…that it was me who volunteered…but still I’m hurt.  Thinking that the plan was for real, the 2PM was exact, I expected…only to be disappointed.  Tanga much!

Many times I’ve allowed people to fool me, to hurt me.  There were people who have inflicted too much pain on me but in the end it was me who will come to them and befriend them again.  There were ex-friends whom I hated so much because of their being envious but in the end, at one click, I genuinely smile at them again.  This makes me a very vulnerable prey to those who suck at other people’s heart and feelings.

Sometimes I ask myself why do I have these kinds of people in my circle.  I know I’m a good person, but why am I blessed with these kinds of characters?  The answer: this is a challenge I must overcome to make me a stronger and better person.  I haven’t passed the challenge yet.  I have learned a lot but I’ve never made it to the finish line…because I’m still hurting, reacting, competing…

Jacqui, stay away from them.  If they come to you, speak up from your heart.  But don’t be like them.  You are far better than them…even if their friends or friends of their friends say otherwise according to their own stories.  You don’t have to prove yourself to rubbish persons.

Oct. 31, 2010

Happy Halloween everyone! I can feel it.  Halloween na nga.  Scary ang mga palabas sa TV.  Pati mga kakilala ko scary na rin

GFA, when will this pain go away?  When will this hurt vanish? When can I forget?

Si Toto…after almost a year or more than na gani siguro…matunga lang para…mangayo kwarta…What’s new? Why should I complain? It’s not something unusual.  He and his parasitic alipures are too kabalan! Bi ko siling mo indi mo kelangan kwarta ko? T ngaa mangayo ka now haw? Cmon, why do you have to dilap your own spit?

Saw his sigs popping here and there every now and then.  Sadya sa ila ba.  Him and his so-called closest friends.  Bilib ko sa ila. Sobra! When can I learn to just ignore and pretend as if nothing happened? Pareho sa ila…Bravo!

Si madam…kalma lang…damo na bagyo dugangan mo pa.  No use talking to you.  Remember, you don’t own the world Girl. I don’t care what you think about me but don’t you ever do/talk/think something bad against me…I can get it over with for you!!!

Haaayyyy…mga tao nga naman…

Whatever happens, I know for a fact that I’m really hurting…But I guess, SORRY will no longer come my way from these people.  So life has to go on.  Time will  heal all wounds…soon.

Oct. 18, 2010

I never thought social networking sites could be so dramatic.  I thought it’s the best thing that can ever happen to friends, loved ones, families, and everyone else in this world.  But it appears like it is the worst thing for me.

Everyday of my life I visit FB, Friendster, Twitter, and the likes.  I had to check on both friends and career-related updates.  But each time I visit these sites, all I see are faces of people who hurt me.  It makes me feel worst each time I see them having a great time as if they never did anything wrong.  And it made me think – maybe they didn’t intend to hurt me, or maybe they forgot that they hurt me, or perhaps they’re just pretenting that they’re OK, or kakabalan sa ila wala gid sila makunsensya…all these and more.

As much as I wanted not to visit these sites, I couldn’t.  It’s part of my job.  But everyday is like hurt and pain day seeing these people living a happy life with friends without even remembering what they did to me.  Ang utang and false accusations nya, ang paghipos nya just because her best friend is involve, ang mga users, etc.  Now I’m down to one last question – when will this pain/hurt go away?

Happiness is a choice.  I choose to be happy.  But I’m not a pretender.  The pain is there each time I see their faces.  And I’m hurting more and more…

GFA, please take away this pain.  Please help me fight back the hurt.  Please…

Oct. 14, 2010

GFA, please help me get rid of the hurt and the pain caused by people whom I considered important and special people in my life.  Teach me how not to expect kindness in return of goodness.  Let me stand firm in the midst of adversaries, false accusations, and false friendships.  Please do not bring me into temptation.

They hurt me so much.  I have known friendship for years and never did I think that it will just all boil down to COMPETITION, ENVY, and HIDDEN ILL MOTIVES.

He and his dreams have been my source of inspiration at work.  Never did I think that dedication, hard work, and perseverance will end up as thankless jobs.

She continues to surge anger in me.  Please, GFA, don’t make me angry.  Help me get rid of this anger and the wish of misery for her.

He was a friend.  But he doesn’t care about my feelings, about other people’s feelings, t00.  Please enlighten his mind.  I know not what to pray for him.

I know that in Your perfect time, I will see what is just and fair…that it will not come from the people whom I thought are capable of doing it.  I ask in humility to please give me the courage to stay away from people who is causing too much pain and hurt in me, even if they are my friends.  Please take away the dream of getting even, the wishful thinking of tragic revenge, and the sinful thoughts of hurting these people back.

Let me dwell in your presence.  My life has been touched by You since the very beginning.  I know You are just beside me…all the time.  Hold me.  Hug me.  Talk to me.  Embrace my heart, my thoughts, and my actions with your soothing and calming words.  I do not want to live life in anger, in pain, and in hurt.

Oct. 8, 2010

These past days, I feel na daw gadugo gid ang heart ko.  Sobra kasakit.  Grabe ang kalain sang akon buot.  To the point na daw feeling ko numb na ako lately.

Ang tao na sinerbisyuhan ko with all my heart and strength to the point that I almost sacrificed everything ginbaylu lang ako sa bagay na kung isipon para man sa iya advantage.  Despite of the truth ginpanigan nya ang mga tao especially ang babaye nga daw best actress mag act na buot buot and grabe magtikal and magbutig.   Despite of me literally begging, daw naging bungol sya.  Kung isipon Boss since the start ginpilit mo lang ko magtrabaho da.  Gin obra ko man tanan bisan daw indi ko kabalo.  Ginlearn ko.  Not even a thank you from you.  Gindrag mo pa ko sa tanan nga kahuy-anan and never ka nagpatunga just to defend me, when all this time I was defending you.

Siguro wala ka tyempo sa mga indi makwartahan.  Gani ang pangamuyo ko, kabay pa nga bisan mapatay ka na sa pangabudlay, kulang man japon.  Bad man ina, knowing na SYA apin sa inyo tanan, wala na halo nga kaplastikan, I pray sa dark or light side of the universe nga tani gabaan ka!

Sila tanan, daw mga ingrato and ingrata…except for those na nagpathank you and nagconsider sa akon efforts to bring them in.  Pero sa mga wala kabalaslan, kung pwede lang mangamuyo nga tani bisan ano na paagi, wala kamo abtan, ginhimo ko na.  I know that’s bad.  And I leave everything to karma.  The thought na siguro sadya sadya sila tanan nga wala na ko made the feeling even worst.  May karma japon.

Ikaw Manager-kuno, makamang ka lang.  Asta mapatay ka lang lubong na kamo sa utang.    Kabay pa mabalik sa imo tanan mo nga butig.  Gahipos ka lang and gahulat sang apin ni Boss?  Kabay pa maabot ang tyempo, pareho kamo duha, masinggit man kamo, wala gid sang bisan isa or tunga nga mamati sa inyo.

Dugangan pa sa 2 friends ko.  Tanan ginshare ko.  Pati trabaho and all other suppose to be private matters.  Pero never did I feel any concern.  Bisan ang once in a blue moon na mga pasalamat indi mapatihan kung sincere or not.  Pati ba naman ang kung ano ang amon mga trips sundon mo pa!  Get a life!  Indi ko bal-an kung ano ang ihaboy ko sa inyo.  Pero kung sino man ang makakita sang heart ko subong, kabay pa kada dugo nga gatulo diri and kada lain sang buot ko, mabatyagan nyo and makunsensya man kamo.  If not, karma na ang bahala sa inyo.  Grabe kamo mag ambisyon, maglagas.  Sige, lagas.  Wala na kamo sa kabuhi ko!

Ikaw.  Sunggod gid ko.  I’ve been very good.  Nag kapyut ko sa imo no matter what.  Sa imo ko tanan gin alay, gin balik.  Yet you never heard me out.  Kung indi ka gusto sang nahimo ko tani ginhambalan mo man lang ako.  Tani gintandug mo man ako.  Ngaa ako nga naging maayo mo nga alagad ginaamo mo sini?  Ginabless mo ako sang mga tao nga wala iban nga hangad kundi maambunan ko sang grasya?  Gashare man ko bisan lain sila batasan.  Ni wala ko nag expect pasalamat or balik.  Pero ano ang gin allow mo?  Gin allow mo sila nga sakiton ang buot ko to the point na they almost took everything from me.   Pareho kay Boss ari ko pirme any time pero sang ikaw na kelangan ko, you were with them.  Tinalikuran mo man ako.  Ngaa?

I know everything happens for a reason.  I don’t know the reason…ever since.  Gani for now, cool off lang ko danay.  I am lost.  I am alone.  I am sad and hurting.  I thought wala man ang tanan madalaganan ta ka.  But I was wrong.  Now nga amo ni nabatyagan ko I know sala na naman.  Para ano pa magbatyag sang sala sa indi sala kung whatever I do you don’t give a damn?

Ako lang danay isa subong.  Buligan mo man ako sa indi, mastruggle man ko japon…as always.  No more good girl me.  I can do things on my own.  May ari pa nabilin sa akon.  Damo pa ni gawa.  Basi gusto mo pa kwaon.  Kwaa.  Hambal nila imo man ni tanan d ba?  OO gali, wala ko na gingamit sa lain.  Gingamit ko para magbulig sa iban.  Basi la mo bala nakita.

For now, pamatian mo man or indi, I have one final request – bahala ka na sa ila, apinan mo man sila or indi wala na ko labot, kung pwede lang KWAA NA NI ANG SAKIT SANG BUOT KO.  Thank you.

Oct. 7, 2010

Dugay ko na ina nanotice.  From phots to travel places even to food.  Pero gin ignore ko lang thinking that there’s really nothing wrong with it pareho sang gin advice sa akon.

Correct! There’s nothing wrong with eating where we ate.  There’s nothing wrong with going to travel places where we have been.  After all, those restos and travel places aren’t EXCLUSIVE to select people.

Pero ang kalain lang we were sharing things with you.  We were sharing ideas with you.  Technically speaking, you were asking us and we were sharing ideas to you in an honest-to-goodness way since we’re friends.  Pero ngaa?  Why do you have to keep things SECRET and EXCLUSIVE when all this time naging kashare pa kamo namon?

OK lang sa akon ang masig masig.  After all, tanan kita nabata nga CREATIVE.  Pero inang mangwa kamo idea then himuon nyo then sulusekreto while all this time kung kami tanan nakashare sa inyo?  Isa lang ang QUESTION da:  Why do you have to keep it secret or exclusive?

Indi gid kami mahisa.  Never sa amon nagsulod ang mang ilug sang gawi or banas sang iban.  For the very reason that each of us is unique.  Kung ano ang nami sa inyo pwede nga kalain para sa amon.  So why keep it secret?

Kalain lang gid…because I thought we’re friends…indi gali.  Nasakitan gid ako.  Bisan birthday and other private affairs ara man kamo nainvite.  And yet you never reciprocated everything accordingly.  Indi sa naga expect kami something in return.  Kay mas wala namon naexpect nga patalikuron nyo kami tira.

Siguro sala lang ako…kabay pa sala lang ako.  Pero considering all the things nga nakikita ko I guess it’s time to put a COMPLETE/FULL STOP to our FRIENDSHIP and to anything that binds us together…samtang wala pa gawa nagsaka sa ulo ko ang kalain sang akon buot sa inyo.

Whatever is your intention para mangopya, mang ilug, etc bahala na kamo.  Indi ko makig away sa inyo.  Kay ako lang ni.  Pero kung itugot NYA kag bisan kaisa lang makita NYA kung ano ang tood, tani makita nyo man kung paano ko ginabatyag ang tanan.

This day marks another scar in my heart.  Dalum katama kay halin pa sa friends ko nga naturingan.   But this day shall also mark the beginning of an end.

Sept. 30, 2010

Just today a friend and a worker from my previous employer chatted with me asking about invoicing.  It appears like all of them weren’t informed in formal by my previous employer about my resignation.  Why?

No need for further explanation.  As usual, he doesn’t communicate.  Maybe he’s sooooooooo busy…busy enough for him not to take some time to communicate with his people.

Who cares? Not me.  Not anymore.  Even if someday he will realize his mistakes. And even if he begs, no one will be there to support him.

Sept. 13, 2010

As early as 2am today, I’ve finally come to a realization that it’s no longer worth fighting for.  I am not surrendering to them.  I am surrendering to his Divine Will.  He knows everything.  And if the people around me are unfair, I know He is fair.

From another account, I’ve seen my friends.  Sobrang happy as they talk about future settling-down plans of another common friend.  Ang may utang sa akon, walang pinagbago.  Tikalon man guihapon.  And as usual, not even a hint of his remembering what he owed me came to his senses. I know malain mag sumpa.  Pero I am ballistic right now!  Lord, please help me.

Si bez and si sweety pie friends na sila.  Just like the people I refer to in the first paragraph, no idea sila sa ginatawag nga due process.  Malain man ihambal pero how I wish they will all suffer.  Lord, please help me.

What’s in my heart are definitely ugly stuff…all intended for them.  I just can’t put them into words.  But my heart and my mind say it all.

Goodbye my friends.  Today shall mark the beginning of an end.

June 18, 2010

Almost two months na wala ko di kasulat.  Not that I had a worry-free life but I was suuuuuper busy that I could no longer find that to write…even if I had lots of things in mine

Today was just one of the “regular” days of my life – may happy may sad, may awesome may problematic.

Si Toto, Lasalista na manugMaster’s pa ngaa daw indi amo haw?  I am currently working with some VAs and there’s this one whom I really liked a lot from the start.  Don’t get me wrong…by “like” means I liked the way he communicates with our affiliates.  But as time goes by, I noticed how his work declined – in terms of quantity & quality.  Di ko maintindihan kung ano napanghimo nya nga gakaubos oras nya sa indi man amo nga bagay.  In the end I found out the root of all problems – he does not communicate with his client.

I don’t want to be angry at him.  But one time, after committing a similar mistake for 4 times in a row, I asked him if he was aware of the schedule.  Suprisingly, he said he wasn’t; when all this time it was made known to him via email, extra files, chat and SMS.  Siguro nalipat si Toto Pero ang kaulugot when I asked him who gave him the wrong deadline day for his routine task, he said ME…yes! as in MOI!  And so I challenged him to bring out all evidences that he has to prove that it was really me who gave him the wrong info.  Wala man gali!  Kay wala gid man…Tsk! Sa liwat bala to kay-uha.  Pangguba ka imo ya credibility!

Si Toto wala gid karealize kung ano na ang consequences sang iya mga actions.  I know he’s coming from somewhere where I’ve never been because we can’t be on the same page during discussions.

I don’t want to ruin my day into this kind of person.  SOLUTION: ignore!

Ari naman ang mag-iloy…Ang anak naospital matext sa akon nga wala na sila kwarta pambakal bulong.  Ha????  Pakiliwat beh?  Ay wala ko kabalo nga pati ikaw or kamo responsibilidad ko na gali! I hate to say this but I hope there won’t come a time nga mapuno ko sa ila.  Tao tsura ko indi si Ninoy sa 500 or si Escoda as part of 1000!

I’d like to save the relationship that we have.  SOLUTION: I will no longer give you the chance to fool me.  Yes it is just money, but it’s a hard-earned money!

Feb. 19, 2010

I saw a forum post condemning Chuck for an honest mistake.  Even after Chuck has posted a public apology and explanation regarding the mistake, he keeps on demanding and harassing Chuck…a devil’s advocate? Some people are just born as fault-finding critics…

Lord, ikaw na lang bahala sa iya…Bless Chuck and please continue to protect him from everybody who wants to bring him down.

Feb. 17, 2010

After more than 2 weeks of being offline, I had the chance for the past few days to review the things I missed online. Sadly, I found some things na mejo nakakahurt although those were already expected.

May mga ginconsider ako na friends before na sila sila na lang gahi hello.  And basing on the dates their comments or post sa other common friends, it appears like they remembered them and have totally forgotten me.  Intentional or not, nakakahurt lang gid.  A sign…

May mga existing friends naman ako nga patago magsakit sang feelings ko.  Intentional or not, I really can’t feel the sincerity in their friendship.  Praning lang ba ako or iba lang gid nabal-an ko na description sang friends and friendship?  Another sign…

Bisan kadugo ko continue ang pagsakit sang balatyagon ko.  To think na hambal sang old cliche, whatever happens ang family mo lang japon ang madalaganan mo.  Another sign…

So I’ve come to a decision…I’ll start over…Embrace a whole new life.  I’ll start by picking up the pieces, then delete all previous friends.  Kung sa mga importante nga events sang life nila – wedding, christmases, new years, v-days – ni hindi nila ako naremember, then I’ll start making a new circle of friends then build a new life from there.  Pareho sang hinimo nila sa akon, hindi naman nakon sila himuon na part sang life ko.

This starts today!

Feb. 15, 2010

The first 2 weeks in the month of love of this year were difficult for me.  I got sick and was hospitalized for 5 days due to measles.  Added to that were other sources of stress.

While I was nearing the end of my hard days in the hospital, an enemy came to visit me…err…correction – came to pester my peaceful and restful days in the hospital.  My brother sent in a lady messenger to proclaim, “PAKADTO NA DI SI JUNE HULATA LANG SYA.”  Ha??? Who told him he could come and visit me when all this time I’ve already informed him that they’re no longer part of my life?  So I just ordered the lady messenger to inform her master not to come along because he is not needed.  At the last hour of the visiting hours in the hospital the animal came.  And guess what, he didn’t come to visit me because the first thing he came looking for was F–O–O–D!  You mean to say may pamasahe ka pakadto di tapos wala ka pangkaon?  Gamay lang nga huya b!

From a short research I’ve known that it was my father who ordered the animal to come over.  According to my father ginmulay nya pa kuno para kadtuan ako sa hospital.  Ha? Kelangan gid bala mulayon mo ang tao para masugo mo magbisita sa ospital? Artistahon!!! So without much ado ako na mismo nagmulay sa iya.  In return, nagwa ang tood nga color sang amay ko! Tinomboy ba naman ako?! Ha?! Good to know that…at least now, I know what to do with my house.

Also, I’ve known that the source of my father is his brother.  According to the brother, grabe gid daw ako.  Ha?! As in gaano kagrabe?  So when he texted me I sarcastically told him that the “grabe” news has already come to my knowledge.  Surprisingly, he didn’t respond to my text.  GUILTY???? Haha!

Ang mga controllers nagdugang pa. It will be my wedding, my money, my life…so please stop controlling it.  I want it to be according to what I like.  That even if something goes wrong in the end, no regrets…because I was very happy.

It’s my house.  So please listen when I say DON’T TOUCH IT!

Use your head.  Stop complaining.  But thank you for being there.  Though sometimes you make me feel sick.

Hay….kadamo sang asungot sa life ko.   When they strike they come like lightning out of the blue.  Worst is when they attack all at once.  Aware ba sila na mejo poor akon stress-resistance?  Siguro…so they use such weakness para matopple down ako.

On second thoughts, I think I’m done with them by the time I was sick.  Naipakita ko na akon kaakig.  I should have made my point right there and then.  So that was supposed to be the PERIOD.

Now, I’m starting with the new chapter in my life.  I’ll be picking up the pieces then move on.

The house is almost done.  Once it’s completed, I’ll pay off all debts.  After that, pwede na ko magenjoy to the max.

Life’s that simple.  No complications.

Bahala na si Lord sa akon.  Sa iya ko na ipaubaya tanan na stressors in my life.  I can do everything with HIM and I can do nothing without HIM.

Dec. 30, 2009

I heard ang mga traidor didto sa pamilya sang pareho man nila nga traidor.  True or not why should I be bothered?

Ang kapal gid nila…

Pakita kita gid para hambalon kaluluoy man sila and irresponsable ako nga magulang? Gasgas na yan!

Are they that insensitive? Knows nila nga kontra ko didto and yet didto pa sila?

Since wla man gali diri nauso ang natawag nga konsiderasyon and sensitivity, why should I bother?

Someday, tanan nga pakahuya niyo sa akon mabalik sa inyo tanan!

Dec. 16, 2009

I took some time to write this post just to air out what I’m feeling right now.  It looks like I’m being unfair and silly to myself and to Manang.

Kada kitaay namon problema lang amon nastoryahan.  Problem nya si Mama nya.  Akon naman, ang mga tao sa Roxas.  And this made me wonder if these problems are for real or mere products of our imagination.

Siguro next time, if we meet, makastoya man kami I’ll make sure na indi na serious katama.  Kung problema man gid, kadlawan lang namon and we will not take them negatively.  Para ano nga ara si Bro.  I’m sure indi NYA kami pagpabay-an.

Nov. 19, 2009

I think I’m learning how to be stone cold or cold-hearted.

Just today, it happened again.  I posted then some time after he/she posted.  Di gid papierde ba.  Is it immitation?  Or they’re just trying to get into my nerve?  Probably trying to get my attention?  Or trying to compete with the idea that since I’m happy they wanted to tell the whole world too – including or most especially me – that hey they’re happier or at least as happy as me.

I digged into my heart.  And I found out that I’m no longer as hurt as before.  I might have become MANHID after repetitive pains have been inflicted on me.  To end everything, isipon ko na lang that I have things that they don’t have and will ever wish to have.  It will be a great insult to God if I still feel envious and unhappy.

Kag ikaw naman – pagwapo? pahunk? paas if? Ako gid pierde if I let my emotions go after you.  It’s either masal-an pa ko jealous and wala kamove on or bitter.  So here’s to end my issue against you – BAHALA NA SI LORD SA IMO.

Nov. 15, 2009

I just got home from a very delicious and relaxing weekend.  Relaxing, indeed, because if you see me now, you’ll definitely see it on my face.  No worry lines, no eyebags, nothing at all.  That’s because I was able to fulfill a promise or a set of goals due this month.  Plus I was able to lay down all my cards to Auntie and we both agreed on my plans…and I think she like them, too.

My happiness was suddenly erased when I visited FB.  Ang feeler gapafeeler naman.  I know that if I give in to my emotions, ako na naman ang baliskadon nya.  As if wala pa ko kamove on…nga galagas lagas ko sa iya…blah blah blah…madugang tapat init sang ulo ko.  But the real score was, I was after his UTANG sa akon.  2 years na wala japon nabaydan!  I have also my own debts.  And some of them were paid long after the intended due dates.  But at least I never forgot my debts and paid for them.

Pero ining si feeler, baw makagalaba! May huya pa magsagi pakita sang tsura nya…Now I’m flaming hot!!!  Question is, paano ko madeny ining akig ko and just go on with my day online nga indi na magring a bell ang photo, name, etc of him?

Ignore him.

Makaya ko kaya iignore ang tao nga baw kabalan gid magpasayang sayang sang tsura nya nga daw wala lang sya makadumdom sang utang nya?

Kelangan kayanon ko.  Ang tao nga ina sagad sa buto ang pagkakabalan.  Ako ang talo if I continue to attach my emotions sa iya.  May kahuy-anan ako, but he has nothing to lose because he has nothing.

The best solution: Let God do what’s due to him.

Indi na magsagi join sang conversation with persons involving him.  No more looking at profiles of people connected to him; not until di mo pa kaya sya iignore.  Most importantly, mind your own life.

Nov. 5, 2009

I took some time to check on my social life.  I asked myself, do I still have the friends and the people I used to have beside me?  Am I still close with people and friends I know way back in high school?  In college?  Shockingly, but expectedly, the answer was a big NO.

When this answer came to me, I immediately proceeded to the next step in my contemplation.  The next step was to ask for the reasons where have all the friends I knew gone?  Half of me says NO, I HAVE NO IDEA, I HAVEN’T NOTICED THEM GOING AWAY.  The other half knows some reasons.

I lost my friends and mentors way back in college and in the early prime of my career age because of money.  I can still remember the dark ages of my life.  And it brought back the realization that the people I knew were the ones who measured friendship and people in terms of their wealth.

As I went searching for the friends I know way back in high school and even during the older days, I found them.  But it feels like we’ve become strangers.  Dapat guro indi na KNOW kundi KNEW.  Why?  What happened?   I have no idea.

Maybe because I didn’t get the chance to mingle with them that much when we were still together.  So now that we’ve all grown up, we’re expected to be with people and friends with whom we’re closer with.

I see them in social networking sites.  We’re “friends” but how come we don’t even chat there?

I don’t want to feel that they don’t like me.  That they don’t want to talk to me.  That they don’t want to hear from me.  But why?

Masyado na ba akong busy na feeling nila storbo na sila sa akon?  or am I just missing them?

Sometimes I wanted to think that they don’t like me now because of what I have become, be it positively or negatively.  Is it my fault?

Then when I get in touch with some friends, what happens next involves money.  I can still remember what a friend said, “Huya ko bi sa ila.”  So sa akon gali wala?

Not that I wanted to help.  I’ve been in the needy situation too.  But to be abused is no longer part of this.

Then when I start to become brave, to fight back, to become strong, that’s the time when people disappear.  Just because they’re not used to that side of me.  How come they can think about things that way?  Did they ever think of my part?  Naisip ba nila kung ano nahimo nila sa akon?

I’m confused.  Disturbed.  A bit sad.

I’m sad because I feel like I need to erase all friends and come up with a new list.  It may be better this way.  Than being in a sea of friends who will never be with you again.

This weekend, I’m going to clean up my a bit sad life.

Nov. 4, 2009

I’m at work.  But my mind is drifting somewhere.  My heart beats heavily like a drum.  Surely, I’m out of focus.  Why?

I had a very bad experience with DANVIL last time.   So each time I go to SM City and see people signing up on their too-goo-to-be-true raffle “kuno” I wanted to approach the person signing and tell him/her what I discovered about DANVIL.

I wanted to say, “Manang, don’t sign up they will let you attend a 45-minute one-on-one discussion next to convince you to get one of their plans.”  I wanted to tell Manong not to get too hooked with their kuno gifts.  I’d like to ask a fellow youth, “Di mo ba nakita ang feature ng The Probe Team about DANVIL?”  I wondered if si Inday nakabasa sa Internet about the dirty tactics of this company.

But what can I do?  What will shouting out for the truth would mean for me?  It might mean a more troubled life…a more disturbed life. As a final verdict, I’ve decided to keep my mouth shut while praying for God’s ultimate justice to rule over this DANVIL.  With God’s justice, they can never use their money, their access, their foreign investors, and others to hide the truth.  And with that decision, my heart and my mind were settled.

There’s this social networking site that eases away stress.  It’s so addicting until one day, a friend whom I knew way back in elementary days added me up.  I accepted HER invitation and since then on, I’ve seen the daily updates in her life through her profile.

As days passed by, I’ve seen how this friend of mine became melodramatic over her feelings.  Until it came to me that she is falling in love…with someone very very known to me.

At first, I didn’t mind her.  That’s because I got an idea from a common friend that what they have is just a game.  But eventually I can read through her updates that theirs was no longer a game…that is, a reel love is now beginning to get real.

Everyday she shouts out her feelings.  She posts love song and love quotes.  And in all of this I wanted to tell her – I PITY YOU.  Why?  Kung alam mo lang kung sino and ano sya…

I wanted to tell her that he’s a user.  That he is a desperate saddist who uses his over confidence and pseudo charm to lure women who has money and those who can afford to support his ambition of going out of the country.  Yes, day, belive me…he did it to me once…add to that an unpaid debt.

But by telling her will mean DISASTER.  I don’t care whether loverboy’s image is ruined because it’s the truth.  What I’m after for is my friend’s safety…though it may mean a broken heart for her.

Tell me…what should I do?  I wanted him to stop?  For him to stop using people.  For him to learn his lesson.  And for her to fall for the right guy…and by RIGHT means not just face but also character.

Aug. 31, 2009

Here I am again…writing on this page of my blog.  Pano naman kasi masamang masama ang loob ko.  Why?  Here’s the full story:

May birthday kaya attend naman ako.  I planned to stay until Sunday only kasi nga may appointment ako by 2pm ng Monday.  But due to a special request I opted to stay for another day.

Sunday, this Lady Gaga came over.  Sikat! Mayaman? OO, sabi nila e.  Care ko no?  Not that I don’t really care…but I didn’t go there to impress anybody, including her.

For the whole time that I was there, most of the people in the birthday venue were cheerful and friendly to me, especially the kids that I honestly missed…EXCEPT for Lady Gaga.  I’m not being overly sensitive ha but siguro if you were me you will feel naman if someone is umiiwas sa ‘yo.  She seems like aloof or is probably just plain and simple avoiding me?  Whatever her reason was natatawa lang ako.  Sino ba ang mapapagod sa kakaiwas and pagiging plastik ng pagngiti in front of MY camera.  Yes, Lady Gaga, camera ko po ang ginagamit nyo kaya keber!

When we came back here in Iloilo, I was very tired and very sleepy.  I was already in my appointment venue waiting for the person with whom I need to discuss some things when Gwaping Nephew told me something.

Si Lady Gaga, pinagsabihan si Gwaping Nephew that if he looks for a GF he must make sure that he gets someone beautiful.  Ha???? Raise ang eyebrows ko dyan ha? Gwaping Nephew said it was just a joke.  But if you were me, don’t you think it was rude and very bad joke? Chief Nurse ka pa naman…e ako kaya magjoke sa yo ng: Bakit Chief Nurse ka tapos mga anak mo mukhang malnourished and pangit pa ng skin? Then I’ll just say at the end na JOKE! Matatawa ka ba?

Naisip ko tuloy I need to give her a gift: a book on Taming Your Tongue.  Or perhaps a book on Professional Etiquette.

Nevertheless, I felt a little better.  Sinabi ko kasi kay Gwaping Nephew that I’m angry…I’m offended…I know I’m not beautiful.  But at least hindi ako feeling…unlike Lady Gaga.  And I vowed that one day, ikaw Lady Gaga, kakainin mo sinabi mo…and one day ikaw mismo ang babawi sa sinabi mo.

Aug. 6, 2009

I thought I’d never write in this page ever again.  Life has been so good, blessing pour like rain, I couldn’t ask for more…But on second thoughts, I wanted to tell God, that yes I wanted to ask something from Him.  I wanted to ask for a life free from unkind people.

I woke up at a not-so-good mood today but it was just one of my tantrums.  Sorry hubby, ang sama ng ugali ko…Thank you for your unconditional love and bottomless patience.  So I slept again and woke up in the arms of one true love.  That made my day better…a lot better…enough for me to be singing while I was walking.  Super saya ko talaga!  Deep inside I was happy…super happy!

Later that day, when I was about to go home, with a new-found friend, Gerlyn, si Mr. Head napadaan sa amin.  Out of the blue, he uttered words that ruined my day.  Si Mr. Head may sinabing pangalan…name na kinaiinisan ko.  Let’s call him SJ – that’s his initials as far as what I know.  Yes, yun ang alam ko…because the truth is I only know this person by name, by his schools, and that’s it.

Si SJ ang naremember ko na kausap ni RLC-P sa may Alma Mater ko dati.  I was with my classmates in graduate school when we happened to pass by them.  The last clear phrases I heard from RLC-P before I approached them were, “Tuod ka?” with matching giggles.  Innocent as I was, I thought they were talking about someone else.  But as time passes by, it became clearer to me that SJ is not just good in Chemistry but also good at Chismis 101.

Si Prof favorite ako dati.  She used to praise me for my good performance sa subject nya.  I borrowed 3K pesos from her way back college days.  The first one was paid off on time.  But the second one was paid off at a much much later time than promised.  She must have been pissed off.  I knew I ruined her trust.  If only I had a better choice…I wouldn’t have borrowed money…not from her…not from anyone else.  No wonder when we accidentally met again last time in NBS, she was kind of mean.  But I know it wasn’t her intention.  That time, she was with some people including SJ.  It was painful to her from a loved Prof these words: GUSTO NIYO BUNGGUAN KO? But despite of that my gratitude for her didn’t diminish.  I still admire her and will thank her for the help she granted me.

Before the NBS incident, I remembered one event way back in graduate school days.  SJ’s classmates, who were also from the same Alma Mater where I came from, didn’t show nice attitude towards me.  I got the same treatment from the profs and even from the lab technicians.  Yes, I felt bad, super bad actually.  Again, I wished I didn’t involve money from my already poor situation during my undergrad days.  I could have opted for borrowing money from my fellow students.  I asked from my parents but they didn’t understand.  But I survived those long agonizing months.

SJ even shouted at us one time when we were discussing or arguing over this Temperature-related problem.  And you know what, the prof didn’t even react.  He showed us that it was OK for a student to shout at his fellow students.

And just today, I had a short conversation with the Head.  And he knew some info about me.  His source – SJ.

Grabe access ni SJ.  Super lawak.  Saan kaya sya walang kakilala?  But who cares?  Why should I be scared?

1. Nagtinikal ko dati…Thailand, chopper, etc.  But they did ever know what and why I had to say or make up such story?  If time comes that you – SJ and everybody else – gets access to this blog, I’d like you all to know that I made up the story because I had to graduate so I can work in order to feed a hungry family consist of a mother who broke down, a sister who is still in school, and a brother who is still in school…because the father of the said family left…leaving tons and piles of debts instead of food and money as sources for us to live.

But you know, SJ, if tikalon ako nagtinikal ka man.  Why shout at us?  Did you have to do that for us to know how intelligent you are?  Was that necessary?

2. I borrowed money from Prof G and Prof M…borrowed money from Teacher C…Although they weren’t paid off on time, at least they were paid off. But the total amount wasn’t enough to lambast me.   I needed help.  I begged for help in terms of money…because I needed help…because I had nothing…

If you were good enough, instead of telling and spreading to people about my stories, you should have felt that you were a lot luckier than me…because you didn’t have to borrow money just so you can eat and finish school.

3. I know that I’m forever indebted to the profs, or to some people who now hated me.  But in all these, I am confident that I did nothing against you.  Wala akong ginawa sa yo.  So you have no right to spread bad words against me!

As of now, I’m feeling sad.  Dahil sa pera, nasira ako.  Sa perang lesser than one-tenth of what I currently have.  But I’m not blaming anybody for this…not even my parent…not even my siblings…Everything was my fault…

I can no longer bring back time…No matter how I wish for it.  But I hope that as I move forward to live a new life, SJ and the rest of the people who hated me for being a bad debtee will just look at me and no more.  I hope they will no longer ruin me.  But if ever they couldn’t stop or tame their tongue, I pray hard that the person to whom they’re telling my hideous past will be enlightened.  That instead of hating me as well, he/she will not just pity me for what I’ve been through but will also pray for me so he/she will never experience life in the same way that I do.

God, in your hands, I commit my life…

May 4, 2009

First Monday of the week ari ko d ya no? Sige lang, after here la na ni dayon a I just need to let go of this ugly and senseless feeling I’m keeping inside…

Lately I noticed some resemblances on my personal lifestyle in the way some people handle things.  I wanted to let it be, just let them be, or ignore them…but they’re just getting into my nerve.

I consulted hubby about this.  But he simply said PAHISAA LANG IKAW DA KARON MAGWA NA HISAON.  True! It hurts but true di ba?

So from now on, while gakaapektuhan pa ko, I’ll just ignore them…disengage naman…and just work on improving things…

La man ko reason to feel this way…If I weigh things, I’d be up there while they look up to me for some good reasons…Kung bad reasons man, t bay-an lang e.  Jesus has always been with me and HE has been protecting me from greedy and envious people…so why not offer these people to HIM again?

This whole has got to stop now…right at this moment!

Apr. 26, 2009

D na ko d tani magsulat kaso kelangan I have to let this go otherwise I’ll explode.  But before I share with you all the details of what happened, I wanted to let you know that I’ve found a new refuge to all of my heartaches.  Please read John 15 and you’ll know what I mean

Last Sunday, I went to NBS in SM City.  I already found the books I needed when I’ve decided to stroll further and see what I can find out at the shelves further behind.  While I was walking through the aisle betweek school supplies and the counter for pens and other stuff, I saw a group of people several meters ahead of me.  I haven’t seen the rest but only one caught my attention – si SJ…ang tsismoso and wala tupong sa pagkahisaon nga si SJ.  I didn’t mind him…Besides, it was too late for me to take a break from my all-force and fully accelerated strides.

Diretso ko sa mga best-selling novels section.  From there my attention got hooked through the books written by John Grishan, Dan Brown, and Michael Crichton.  Who can afford not to touch the Angels and Demons book by Dan Brown?  I shouldn’t miss the chance of checking the latest book of my all-time favorite Michael Crichton.  Then in a split of a second I sensed a light air brushed through my right side.  I followed where it came from and I saw the back and heard the voice of a very familiar face – si Prof. Math IV sang UP in the Visayas! I wanted to catch up with her thinking that she didn’t know it was me.  Why? I’ll tell you later…Only to my dismay…

I heard Prof. Math IV saying: Hambal mo SJ sya indi gid lang…daw sya no?…

And the worst dialogue was: Gusto mo bungguan ko? (laughter)

Wow…I felt small…I felt cold…I never knew someone in her stature could like that…And I knew who was her advisor…the #1 Judas – SJ.

In order to minimize the effect of what happened I went through a bunch of magazines from behind.  But nothing happened.  So I just went home, changing my shopping spree plan.

When I got home, I’ve decided not to think about them…I didn’t want to…I just think I don’t have the right to feel hurt whatsoever…So I entertained myself with my digi cam and took random pictures of me.  When I was about to sleep, I’ve decided to read the Bible and I was brought to the pages where John 15 can be found.  The page was worth my time…truly relaxing…absolutely soul calming…a perfect solution to disturbed people and people in distress after meeting circumstances that made them realize how unkind people can be.

Prof. Math IV of UP in the Visayas was one of my idols…She was really cool…probably the coolest and the hippest prof in the whole campus.  When I was graduating she loaned me PhP3,000.00 upon my request.  In fact, she loaned me the same amount twice.  No problem paying the first.  But I got stuck in paying for the second – family problems, financial constraints, school affairs, etc.  Prof. Math IV even sent me a message asking for her money.  I responded requesting for more time.  It took me some time before I could pay her.  Unfortunately, when I was about to pay her, we weren’t given the chance to straighten things out in person.  She was out of the GH dorm when I brought my payment.  But I left her a note saying thank you for everything…a thank you that came from the bottom of my heart and would have reached the heavens so that Jesus would bless her more…

Years after, I saw Prof again.  I asked her if she received the payment and we even talked about other stuff.  I thought everything was sincere…I didn’t knew those could have been products of plasticity…But I know Prof, she isn’t plastic…prangka sya…She’s kind…She’s considerate…But what happened at NBS?

Then I remembered the presence of SJ…Sigh…ang tao nga naman…Need I say more?

I’ll be forever thankful to Prof.  But I’ll be forever resentful towards SJ.  I think I know why he hates me so much.  But after careful thoughts and deliberation, if ever I did something in the past, were those things done unto him personally?  Did I personally hurt him?  Have I done something unto him exclusively?  I can’t remember any…But maybe he hates tikalon, butigon, and the likes…that’s why he hates me…

Lessons:  I never knew that 3,ooo pesos or twice the amount is enough to lambast a person…I never knew that a practical joke can be sooooo mabakal to other people that they could hang on to it and believe it as a serious joke for years…to the extent of ruining other people.

I confess, I have no more face to show to people back in my Alma Mater.  It’s stressful…It saddens me a lot…But my fault, I admit that…Since my impact to this circumstances is no longer that significant, all I can do is cope with it…Make it good from the outside…Take my time…So that one day, they will all feel proud of me…again…just like before.

And to Prof, SJ, sungi, and company: When you hate people, you hate God first…I won’t curse you…But God will take its toll…soon…

Apr. 17, 2009

It’s Friday night…one of those Pridays that I really hate…mapuli na naman abi bwas No one knows I hate Fridays of these kinds hehehehe ako lang…kasi naman mapuli na naman ako sa lugar namon.  Sssshhhh no one knows na I hate going home…

Kung didto ko and makita mo ko abi mo happy happy ako.  It’s like I’m super glad that I’m home.  Deep inside I’m counting the hours para makabalik liwat sa place ko sa Iloilo.

When I’m home, I’m angry and sad.  Hahahaha!!! Is that a shocking revelation or not? Angry at people who come to me like friends…ang mga kabalan daw wala kadumdum sang hinimo nila sa amon dati.  But no use wallowing on that idea.  I should be glad na lang nga si Lord was so generous sa akon.  He gave me more than what I asked for. The places and the faces make me really really really sad Nakadlaw ko lang gani…Kay kung maging sad ko malaw-ay lang ko na

One day, I’ll get over all of these emotions.  And when that day comes I’ll be there any time I want without feeling anything at all.  Even if I have no one to talk to…

Life has been super duper busy lately.  But in the middle of my busy schedule, like I always do, I would look back and see what has happened in my life.  Was I productive towards work?  Did I abuse my health?  What should I do to reset everything back to default?  And it all boiled down to one point: I was hooked up in a pile of work that I almost forgot I’m human.

I’m sad and grumpy.  Why? I don’t think I’ve ever had a true human contact for the past few months.  My goodness!!!!  I’m grumpy because of lack of sleep and poor diet.  My health and overall appearance are slowly going away from what God wanted me to become.  Sigh…

I guess I need to learn how to balance things from now on.  Di lang puro work; or I’ll be dead soon!

Apr. 9, 2009

It’s Holy Week but some people just can’t get hold of their behavior.  Yesterday, as I was checking on my emails I got several offline messages through YM.  The messages were from my brother – June Valenzuela.

I’ll try to share with you the thought of his messages.  I’ve immediately deleted them because they don’t deserve a space in my YM message board.  The messages: BAL-AN KO D MO KO PAISTARON SA BALAY MO DI NA KO BALA PALIBUT LIBUTA PA…MAYO NA MAY BALAY KA NA…ANO SA PAMATYAG MO ANG MABATYAGAN NGA PINANGAKUAN MO KO PATAPUSON…

Totally shocking!!! And here’s my side:

Sa diiin na naman naghalin ang idea or term nga ginapalibut libot sya? Malain bala maghambal nga indi sya danay mag istar sa balay kay ang balay wala pa gani tubig, kuryente, and CR? Sino nag agaw sang balay sa iya? And sino nagkusa isip nga sa karsada sya maistar? Hay angmga tao…kis-a utok bulinaw! Hadluk maagawan? Bisan matapos ang balay I’ll stick to my plan ya – plan to give the whole supervision to you and you will not see even my shadow stepping into that house. Ahaw balay daw mamatay ka tao???  Batasan ka sa pagkasakon!

Pangako nga patapuson? Uyyy!!! Kag sin-o ang nangako sa imo and wala ka pinatapos? Not me ha!  Kita mo naman, ari pa sa akon ang resibo pagbayad ko tuition mo, graduation fee mo, etc.  Indi pareho sa imo and sang iban da nga grabe magpabugal nga si tarpulano napaskwel ko o ginapaskwela ko ni tarpulano and yet haluson gani makahatag.

Ahhh siguro nagutgot sang buot mo nga wala ta ka hinatagan allowance from January 2009 to March 2009 no?  Sin-o man abi maganahan maghatag nga kung maghatag ka isabat sa imo: ABI MO NALIPAY KO DAKU BALON KO? Sang namangkut ako kung ginahatagan ka man gid sang napabugal mo nga gapaskwela sa imo ano sabat mo? NGAA GAPAMANGKUT GID KO ABI? Buot ko ya mo! Gahatag lang ko wala pulupamangkut! Kag sino nga martir mahinatag pa sa imo nga pagkatapos sang tanan mabal-an mo na lang ang status mo sa school SELF-SUPPORTING?  Wow!!!! Tingala ko man indi ka gusto baydan ko in full ang tuition mo kay…para indi gali mabuking?

By the way, basi gali nalipat ka nga cleared ka sa clearance mo sa Accounting sang school niyo kay binaydan ko na tanan…bisan la ka gapangayo…bisan daw sapat ka mangmulay T diin na napabugal mo nga KABAYAD KA NA KAY NAG-ABOT NA KWARTA MO? Kadlaw lang utot ko sa nagbilin nga TAGAAN KA LANG DANAY KAY BAYDAN NYA LANG SA BIYERNES.  Ay ah! Ang huya diin?

Hay nga naman…ang tao pag hinatagan gareklamo pag indi tinagaan mangakig…diin ka malugar para sa ila man?

Apr. 4, 2009

The most disgusting comments I’ve ever heard:

a. Hasta san-o gid na ang damo kwarta ninyo?

At first, it was a discussion about security of tenure.  I could already see her point.  A point which has been in my mind even before we met.  It is really wise to work in a Philippines-based company and to get yourself regularized in it in addition to having an online career. But your comment was really irrelevant, unnecessary, and uncalled for.  But it’s OK…Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.  Talking about eligibility, teh man kundi naghipos ka sang tanan nga pinanghambal mo may ara na ko and yet ikaw nga tigulang na wala pa.  Wishful thinking no? Kulang na lang license sa akon…para kung kita duha mag-apply in your current job, you will surely be ditched in favor of me.

b. …

She directly said nothing…He said it was just a joke…OK…You can’t please everybody after all. But let’s see…Kumbaga, floating pa lang man a.  And one day when we see each other again, pati ikaw pamangkin, you’ll envy me.

Lord, help me to be someone I dreamed of…give me the courage to let go of the people who are users, plastic, and silent killers.

Mar. 17, 2009

I’m tired…physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Hayz nag usik ko ya tyempo sa mga tao and bagay nga not worth my time.  Wasted!

I wonder why people just can’t seem to understand my intentions.  I guess maybe because they’re not me.  More likely they will never know what’s inside my heart and my mind.

I kept on working for people whom I thought would appreciate it.  I kept on worrying over things and people whom I thought would care for it.  I kept on crying for people thinking that they would see it and would somehow start to change  for the better.  But I was wrong…

At first thought, the blame is on me.  I should have stopped putting my standards to other people’s lives; after all, they are not me.  I should have stopped forcing people to follow this and that rule without me knowing whether it works for them or not.  I was unfair to them…was I?

On second thoughts, they could have understood things clearly.  If they were only open to what I’m saying, things would have been better.  My place could have been the best place to stay…minus roof leaks, dirt, etc.

Life is really complicated.  No matter how you make it simple, it just don’t work out that way.

I’m surrounded with people whom I care for…a lot…Unfortunately, they don’t care about it.  The final verdict?  I should no longer care for them…Stop thinking about their welfare…And start thinking about mine.

Because when all else fails, none of them will be there to stay by my side…In fact, most of them are now out there to humiliate, to degrade, and to ridicule me.  So from now on, goodbye CARE.

Mar. 3, 2009

Maga-aga na. Kaya I dated this entry Mar. 3, 2009. I’m tired. I just finished work. I’m disturbed…worried…

Mga anak ni te Venus especially si Mimi, kis-a si Biboy amo man, pangayo lang nga pangayo. I wonder kung natudluan na sila nga magmuna or la lang gid sila nasaway magpagaga. Nainit ko. Especially sang weekend. Kapoy ko but out of debt of gratitude nagyaya ko kay Mimi thinking nga wala sya upod sa ila balay only to find out nga may ara man gali. Hmmmm…

Galagaw kami magtinudlo sang malahalon. Good thing nahahambalan ko sya nga indi and ang barato lang. Kung ang iban naman na kids and nakatoka baklan sya mahirit pa gid without remembering na tapos na bakal for her.

And pinakakailinit magkaon. Wala nya naubos iya food. Tapos imbes makaon pa ang sobra nahampangan nya. Pareho sang last lunch namon nahambalan na lang sya ni hubby kay ginwas-ag ya lang iya rice tapos iya pa hampangan using calamansi ang lechon. Not only that, maghinambal pa sya nga lakat na kami while la pa kami gani katapos kaon ni hubby. Magkinumpara pa sang sud-an na napakaon sa iya kumpara sa napasud-an ni mama niya sa ila. Kung bal-an ya lang nga damo bata gahandum magkaon sang nakaon nya tapos sya ya nausikan ya lang.

Dugangan pa sang mga tigulang na pero salawayon numero uno. Si Lola Nene mangayo sang pampacheck up and tug-anan ko lang daw kung when ako magkaextra. Huh??? Sala man kay Lord pero wala gid ni sya nahuya? Wala ya gid madumduman ang ginhimo nya sa amon ni Mama dati? Besides, close kami haw? Ngaman wala sya gapangayo sa mga anak nya?

Ining nakikisawsaw man nga si Te Ebot. Sandals? Size 6? Ha??? Ano tani? Close ta? Daw wala ka gani gasapak sa amon dati kag.

Now nga gastart naman ko paobra balay daku daku naman tsansa nila nga manghuthot. Sorry gid Lord kung malain akon pinsar. Pero super obvious na gid ya. Bisan si hubby kanotice naman. So himuan ko gid ways to shield myself from them.

Kada part sang project ko sa balay planuhan ko gid. And I’ll back up everything with a lawyer’s note. Most especially, ako mismo makignegotiate sa tanan na transactions. Bisan kapoy iguide man ko Lord to have the strength and endurance.

This is one way na nabal-an ko para hangayan ang ginhatag mo sa akon na blessing which is high salary and excellent job coupled with nice Boss. Lord, i-guide man ko. Indi man pag i-allow nga magfall prey ko sa ila. Maluoy ka man…

Thank you, Lord. Now, I’ll start one of my missions…

Feb. 5, 2009

I love my jobs. Who says I don’t?

Lately, I’ve been laid flat with a pile of work…from Chuck. Everyday, my inbox is full of new email instructions from him. And it seems like he couldn’t get enough because he continues to add more and more and more and more each day.

My inbox is always up to brim of email instructions. La gakahubsan…pirme puno! Whick makes me feel stressed out and always grumpy…which in turn makes me ask myself whether I’m feeling the right emotions or not.

My job with Chuck has helped me a lot. It gas given me the chance to improve our way of life. It has even helped me help other people. Most of all, it enabled me to enjoy and experience the kind of life that I’ve never experienced before.

Lately, for the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to air out my annoyance and stresses through shoutouts and status names in Friendster and in IMs. I was hoping that it will touch Chuck’s heart and sould and would at least give me a break even for just a short time. But I was wrong…The tasks just keep coming.

I am angry…Why? Because Chuck is giving me lots of work…because he seems like he doesn’t care if I’ve ever slept or not…because he doesn’t give a damn about the gift I sent him…because he’s so insensitive…blah blah blah

To myself:
Darling, ang mga hinaing mo ay walang katuturan. It’s part of the so-called JOB. Who cares if you’re tired or if you’re drowning in a pile of work? Your Boss will always be your Boss. And he will never give much attention on what you feel. His mind is set on earning revenue for the business and you should do the same thing. After all, isn’t it that you have already vowed never to be emotional again?

So to conclude, just simply LOVE YOUR JOB. It’s where you’re getting your bread and butter. It’s your ultimate source of survival. And since you have no other things and no one with you, your job is now your one and only company for life.

The bunch of tasks? Those will always go with the responsibilities assigned to you. The higher the pay the greater responsibilities that you will have. And it’s up to you to unwind to get rid of the stresses.

And to perk you up, always remember that your job will help you reach your dreams. The house, the car, the business, the board exam – you’ll never get those when you’re fired. So just work and be happy that you’re flat out busy

Dec. 3, 2008

Bad trip ko!

Dula bayo ko sa laundry shop.  Ang ginlihug ko nga magkwa tani ginrasonan lang sang gabantay nga WALA GID ok lang dayon???!!!  Wow!  Pwede tani pangisugan man nga pabaydan…after all it’s the right of a customer.  Kadtuan ko didto bwas!  Ako mismo matransact…man ang gatransact bata e!

After hours of working, I had the chance to fix things up in my apartment.  Tinago ko mga coins and bills na ginacollect ko.  Threw some trash.  Then I realized that lately I haven’t gone to the bank to deposit…magdeposit man ginakwa man dayon…what a lousy 50K earner!

Then I saw the PLDT bill.  I was supposed to keep it because it’s already paid.  But something urged me to check it out again.  I was kind of shocked to see that I have an UNPAID BALANCE of PhP40.87 from last month’s bill!!!!  WTF??!!! How come? When I always pay on time and in full????  Bullshit!!! I reviewed my last bill.  From there, I can clearly see that I paid the balance in FULL.  And now I have a standing balance of 40.87????  Gwapo ehhh!!!!!  PLDT’s hidden charges???  How many times do you exact EVAT from people?  Yeah yeah I understand about changing prices without prior notice but DIPUGA pwede mga EVAT nga na isahon lang sa bill????  Kung mga langa langa kamo and lipat lipatan niyo na sa bill sang consumer niyo then please add a note!  Mayad lang kamo mag add note sang promos and all but when it comes to people’s accounts you can’t even say HOY MAY NABILIN KA HOY MAY NALIMTAN KAMI!

Added to my annoyance are those 2 different prices indicated on my latest bill – ang isa current due, and isa amount due…ano tani?  Which is which?  Ang ginpunch sang taga SM ang latter…And I’m already expecting another charge + Interest + EVAT sa sunod ko na bill!  Mayo…mayo nga pangwarta!

Will call PLDT customer service tomorrow…as well as the laundry shop…will settle things once and for all.

Puga kung d ko lang kelangan internet pautod ko ni mo. But I’ll see if I can make amends…see if I can cut off the phone and just retain the Internet line.

Sa laundry shop nga to, I’ll make them pay if they can’t return my blouse.  Blouse lang to….pero the worth and the price…ikaw man b madulaan gamit maano ka?  Hangag ka na gid if OK lang sa imo nga wala sang bulos or bayad…Yuga e! Manggaranon ka na gid.  Kung la na gid t OK e….But at least I tried hard to look for it and to demand what is rightfully due to me.