Some time ago I’ve decided to go back to my first love – teaching.  I was given the opportunity to, once again, share what I have learned in school to some college students.  As an added bonus to this new blessing I found new friends at work and was able to build friendship with some random strangers.

Despite of my busy schedule I still took some time to share happy moments with my new found friends.  I laughed with them.  I worked with them.  Serious or not, for business or for pleasure, their company was awesome.  Until I realized that too much of something is bad enough.  That no matter how I deny it I am guilty of overdoing it.  To the point that I was already hurting the only person whom I owe everything that I have right now.

I thought I was Wonder Woman 🙂 That if I can joggle several jobs I could also balance everything in my life.  I could.  But not all. There are things that I need to let go and things that I need to retain.  Now I’m faced with a dilemma with an added painful truth that I am not that lucky enough to be blessed with the best of both worlds – love and friendship.

Friendship.  That’s how I label this one problematic side in my life.  Surprisingly, outsiders and other third party onlookers do not see it that way.  Is it them who are malicious or is it me who is paranoid?  Whatever is the reason for this confusion, it’s certain that something is wrong.  I tried hard to solve the problem which I thought was a simple problem of letting the world accept that a man and a woman can be friends and no more than that.  Then I realized it was easier said than done.  The problem was far more complicated than Calculus or Quantum Physics or Materials Chemistry 😀

As I tried holding on to what I thought was an extra challenge in my life, that if I succeed in retaining it I’d be able to let the world know that they are wrong, I was faced with a crumbling personal relationship.  How sensitive of me not to feel that the people already close to me were already fed up with everything 😦 I didn’t see it coming…

Fighting for my new found friendship, though unnecessary, was done.  Then I realized I was fighting on my own.  Added to that was the fact that all of a sudden I became the number one malicious antagonist in the play of our lives.  Despite of countless attempts to pacify things I was misunderstood, ignored, left in solitude, and was made to feel NOT IMPORTANT.  Unfair! Brutal! Heartless!

With this realization, I kept fighting.  To gain back the kind of life that I used to have before I let newcomers join my life.  I was happy.  I was contented.  I was loved.

Lessons Learned:

1. Never invest too much emotions on anything.
2. Expectations aren’t met sometimes.
3. Don’t expect a whirlwind affair (even friendship) to last for long.
4. Choose wisely.
5. Sacrifices are never necessary when relationships (love or friendship) are for real.

At this point in my life, I can say that I am terribly hurt.  I feel betrayed.  Battered.  Most importantly, I have never felt so alone…because even if someone is still there for me, I feel that I have given him more than enough reasons to be just there physically but with no more heart 😦 Ask me what happened to that thing I fought for?  Nowhere to be found.  Left me fighting as a one-woman army.  Ignored me.  Just because it cannot withstand the blows of life it went back to its shell.

Time to forget the people who hurt you, who left you, who abandoned you…time to make it up to the people who matter most…time to earn back my life…time to move on.  I’m ready to go back to square one and start anew.   Draw my plans again.  Rekindle the love that I almost lost.  Stop wasted dramas over people who since the start considered me as pampalipas-oras, an entertainer, their personal clown.  Someone who cannot stand by you through thick and thin is never worth your time.  And bring myself back on track….and this begins in 10…9…8…7…