Today, I literally jumped off the bed by 10AM after realizing that I already missed the 9AM commitment.  I felt ashamed for letting important people wait for me.  Although I have a valid reason, I still believe that they don’t deserve to wait.

At 11:05AM I arrived at work and was greeted by our Head with left and right questions.  I didn’t even realize that she already made transactions with other personnel to assist us in transporting some big things for an event to be held the next day.  Although I’ve already made plans which include the transportation, I took it as an advantage for me so I crash out one task in my to-do list.

However, the transportation didn’t turn smoothly.  The night before, the Head instructed me to confirm an appointment/transaction with a colleague.  I forgot about the confirmation probably because I thought that the said transaction is already too much.  Nahuya ko ya manghulam salakyan.

But that morning I found out that my colleague canceled at the very last minute without prior notice.  For me, that was no biggie.  It was not something that was really necessary because there are other options.   But the Head already considered it as a big deal, which I can understand because she made the transaction herself perhaps after feeling the sense of urgency to do so.

When the option came in I couldn’t transport things on my own.  But I don’t have plans of ordering older people to help me on it probably because I was waiting for them to voluntarily lend a helping hand.  None of them gave or even intended to lend a helping hand so I took it that they’re all busy.  Then I thought of asking/requesting for help from the SAs.  Unfortunately, no one was available.  That was odd.

Left and right questioning, nonstop instructions, in a hurry driver of the requested transpo option, mr-mrs-and-ms-who-cares people, no one to call to for help, pile that up and imagine what it can do to you.  Without thinking twice I ranted, I bursted out, and I had to release it all out.  AKO NA LANG ISA A KAYA KO MAN NA!  Walked out that door, not remembering that it has the tendency to bang because its nature, and took big strides so I can leave the room as quickly as I can to breathe some air.  That was a much-needed ranting/burst out.

As expected, everyone else in that room felt the heat.  I knew there were negative and negative and no positive comments.  But in all these, I hoped and pray that they can all see beyond the ranting and the bursting out and the slamming of the door.

I continued my day.  Letting it all out through work.  I confessed an apology and my complaints to our Head who stayed with me but was wrongfully accused of lighting up more fire in me.  Truth is, she confessed a lot of things to me knowing that I shouldn’t be clueless about what’s going on so that someday I’ll have something to use to defend myself.  Confessions that were disappointing, sad but true, shocking, surprising, unbelievable.  I don’t have the luxury of time to spell out all the details here but the gist of it all is this: I need to be careful with people who smile at me, everyone has their own agenda.

At lunch, the Head continued giving me advice about taking care of myself, my actions, and my words.  She told me to continue the day as if nothing happened.  Jokingly, she said that the colleagues may have been talking about me as of the moment.  And she was right…

At work, starting with the slightly heated argument regarding pre-planned sandwiches, a colleague who mentioned about being nice as long as no one steps on to her foot, started the confrontation.  By the way, I can’t remember the time when I stepped on to her foot.  I don’t know what else did she or the others commented behind my back after the incident.  I’m sure nobody has plans in telling me.  After all, I’m just new and the stronger bond will always remain stronger than the new bond.

The main issue: my ranting which includes my slamming of the door and my words.

It was me their pointing at, so I didn’t allow the Head to defend me.  I don’t need any Mama.  I can defend myself and much more speak for myself.

If the ranting made them feel bad, if my words made their friend sad, if my actions left them speechless, shocked, and caught off-guard, did they try to think why?  As they said I was wearing an aura of super busy and stressed out that day, did they even try to consider that and analyze what prompted me to do what hurt them?  Maybe they did.  But they are focused on my ranting ONLY.

For that I hope everybody realized that no one does things without reasons.  If they are not updated/instructed with what to do it’s because everything has been taken cared of and that they are left with time and space for them to work on things that they need to do.  If they are not informed about some time that is because everybody understands that they are busy working on assigned tasks during the same times when they were supposed to be needed.  For me transactions of whatever nature should be taken seriously whether or not it is done with people we like or we do not like.  Lending a helping hand is not a solicited thing.  It doesn’t necessarily have an official letter or us being called out to attend a meeting first.  Lending a helping hand is voluntarily and heartily given.

Who would not rant about me doing things alone when while I was short of people to help me on some things no one even dared to stand and help me?  Ladies, you are all there busy with your own stuff.  Gentlemen, you were just there sitting, looking at me, at us, and by the looks of it no one has the intention to help.

Granting that no one informed everybody about the schedule for the day, that’s because the task was already assigned to other groups of people.  And since no one came to help because of prior commitments, you should just all sit there, watch, and act as if you don’t know what to do because you were not informed so you won’t help.  It doesn’t take a genius to know when his/her help is needed.

While all these…and more…were inside my mind, I answered reversely because I find it ridiculous to state what’s obvious.  I can perfectly sense when arrangements are done behind my back.  Besides, no matter what I do and what I say, it will only end up me hurting their feelings and them not hurting my feelings ever.  Who can win over them seeing the sad look on their friend’s face over my actions, actions of the friend of their number one disliked Head?

I looked around.  And noticed that there were people at the back.  I have no idea what you are all doing at the back, what you are talking at the back, whether or not you sympathize with their friend whose face literally went down because of the very sad incident, I don’t care.  Kamo na ang kinaluluoy, and ako na ang pinakapalaaway.

Who has the delicadeza to keep business transactions from me because it’s done in cash basis and yet when it’s credit time it’s done with me?  I didn’t confront you when you reported me to the Head because I was allowing an assistant work on my records.  It never crossed my mind to tell the other party that you’ve been complaining about her counting money as if she’s a slave to it by acting as if you pity her so much after seeing her sad face caused by somebody’s actions.  When you reported your so-called friend to the Head because you didn’t like it when she went to see a movie with her ex I knew about that too but nobody else knew.  I never complained about you being assigned to work on the mechanics only to find out that it was to be done by me.  When you had the guts to copy what I did when I ranted and banged the door, why didn’t you have the balls to get up, stretch some fats, and help us load things onto the service vehicle?

The outright NO to every offer, doesn’t that hurt? It’s either you ladies, give a straightforward NO is given or a justification is reasoned out to avoid any assigned task.

The very obvious selective helping hand, doesn’t that hurt?  Why are you all smile when working on something for other groups but all NOs and complaints when working for Her the Head or for the Department? Abi ko wala gapalak kalma lang kay magiging OK man tanan teh ngaa sang may isa ka event daw gapalak man to sila tanan?

When the Head gave an instruction, no SA was available but then one off-duty SA was there at the back checking someone else’s papers?  No offense meant to the off-duty SA but was it coincidence or not that no one was available that day?  And when afternoon came, everybody was present including the ones who were called in sick that day?

I’d rather be contented knowing that you honestly dislike me than you acting as if you consider me a member of your circle of friends to be used as one of your laughing stock or source of topic-over-lunch.  Plastic no more!

Today, savor the feeling of winning this battle.  It’s your feeling and that’s something I can’t control.  But remember that while you are rejoicing and sharing the victorious moment of my shameful situation it only made me see through clearer glass – not all people who call themselves your friend are sincere.  I should be thankful for the very professional confrontation, though.  But then again, it only made me confirmed what I’ve been hearing.

My sincerest apologies to the ones who were hurt with my actions and words today.  I hope my words mentioned above are clear and simple enough to be understood.  I am not expecting any apology or explanation in return.  What I’m asking now is for everyone’s honesty.

I never stepped onto your foot.

I deserve a little honesty from you.

You can always talk to me about what you heard from your friends re their experiences with me.

If you have the time to observe other people’s misbehavior, try observing their positive attitudes as well.

My ranting was never intended to hurt your feelings because in the first place, just like what you said, you were not called out to attend the meetings so you are technically not involved and not a part of this event.  However, your voluntary help and offers were highly appreciated.

Thank you for today’s learnings.  I learned my lessons the shameful and the hard way as you all intended to happen.  My heart is broken but this too shall pass.

“He who lives in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones.