It’s less than a week since the last drama in my life so far.  But until now I can’t get over their words, their actions, their obvious tactics, before and after the incident.  I know I shouldn’t feel hurt or pain because I’ve already readied myself for these things – that they are friends first before I came, that they have stronger bonds than I with them, that they are together more often than I am with them, that I am just an extra or a side dish to their friendship’s main course, etc etc etc.

Despite of all the aforementioned factors, I know I did my part as a new friend, as a colleague.  But I was so dumb to have become very presumptuous.  All this time I should have known that it’s possible that it was only me who considered myself a member of their friendship circle and that they never ever acknowledged me as one of them.  How stupid it was of me to have offered uncalled for help, suggestions, business insights, and more. And now, I have to suffer the pangs of being a presumptuous trying hard individual who looks more than a moron who is desperate to be one of them.  I wish there are people out there who understand exactly how I feel right now because of the following:

Business.  It was me who introduced the stuff to them.  She was even nice to order some of these and some of that.  Being a customer is something that I’ll forever be thankful for even though she’d pay for items according to payment terms outside or beyond our agreement.  I should have remembered that business is business.  So when she ordered more than a dozen of CASH items from another, whom I thought a friend, I was more than surprised and shocked.  Delicadeza?  Is that the thing I’m looking for?  I know for a fact that it was her business strategy, a part of “business is business” cliche that I completely forgot, but heaven knows how painful that was for me.  It was indeed mentioned to me but very slightly so that the details were intentionally hidden from me.  I didn’t want to state the obvious but I had to let Facebook take away the feelings.  I was wrong to think that after expressing my emotion over FB I’d be able to move on.  As photos of them keep coming into my feed, I continue to dwell on these very ugly emotions and to the fact that here are people whom I considered friends but never ever considered me as one.

Adding insult to injury, here comes another one whom I thought the best gal in town in terms of attitude.  Lately, they would talk about business I introduced to them as if they’re the only people in the room who thought of it, who knew about it.  Who knew what else will they talk behind my back and on the phone?  They must have forgotten my role.  Whether intentionally done to hurt my feelings or unintentionally done, I would like to learn how not to care anymore.  I just hope someday they would be enlightened.  Whatever it is that I did to them for me to deserve their backstabbing business strategies, I hope they will realize someday that it’s not me who’s stepping on to their foot.  I understand they were already into some business partnership.  Silly me because I joined their pact without knowing first if they have a room for me.  Again, I assumed and presumed that they’d thank me for an additional profitable insight.

After the incident, everything became worst.  How unfair it was for them to just noticed their own emotions and expressions without even considering mine!  Then I realized one thing:  why would they consider my feelings and expressions when in the first place I never even matter to them?  Even if I frankly expressed a valid set of truths backed with solid evidence it won’t matter to people like them because what I will say and what I will feel have nothing to do with what they all have right now.

I feel used.  Not because they solely did so but because I voluntarily gave them permission to do so.  Now my heart is broken, err shattered into pieces.  I’m doing everything I could to act normally in front of them, to be the same me despite of these partial truths.  But when it’s just me, everything rings back like a loud bell that wakes me up in the middle of my much-needed sleep, stresses me out more than a ton of work, and disturbs me more than my conscience.

Peace of mind.  Freedom.  These are what I need now.

To jumpstart my goals, I would like to create a gap between them and me, between the people close to them and me.  This will include me not joining them in their chit chat, small talks, get together, happy hour, and the likes.  At work, it will be just work.

Their words that made me feel small, poor, and not an elite like them, shall mean  a challenge for me.  It will be forever painful.  I admit, sometimes I make a little prayer inside my head saying that hopefully someday they’d get to experience being down there and being able to receive words and actions similar to what they’re throwing at me.

I hope I only sound overly sensitive over exaggerated matters.  Wishful thinking.  Nevertheless, my plans will still push through.  To help me get through the day, I’ll just keep in mind that things like these are normal in any workplace, that from this day on it shall be me and the people back home who love me unconditionally.