For the past few days, a lot of things have been disturbing me.  Most of them were hurtful words and actions from people whom I thought cared for me, my real friends, and with a pure helping heart.  After careful thought, I realized that what’s happening may be or perhaps indeed products of my actions, past choices in life, and thoughts.  There’s no use avoiding these things.  It will be futile, as well, if I keep fighting all these troublesome past.  And for that, I’ve decided to deal with all of these once and for all.

To those who helped me before but is now having fun telling everyone their charitable act while I’m losing all my grace:

I have made a promise to myself – I will never get angry to those who helped me in the past, no matter what happen.  Even if these people get angry at me, I won’t fight back.  These people have all the right to tell everyone, if they choose to, our stories…even if that will mean me losing my pride.

But somehow, people take advantage of such humility.  Some of them find delight in making me as their topic over a cup of coffee.  Meeting common friends would always mean my being present in their small talks.  I can imagine the joy in their faces as they exchange stories about me at their mercy and about me living a miserable, desperate, pitiful life before. Top that with the satisfaction they get when they come up with a plan – making it known to me that these “charitable” people know each other.

BEFORE.  That’s right…that was before.  Am I being paranoid or am I being too conscious with what I now have after years of hard work?  Now that I’m OK, that my life is back in track, here comes these “charitable” people swarming around my yard trying to find the perfect time to destroy the best in my present life.  I confess, I feel so small if they do that 😦  It makes me lose all of my self-confidence.  It’s like losing my face without any chance of fighting back because in the first place I really have no right to fight back…because at one point in my life, I owe them one or two times.

I’m in pain.  I’m hurt.  I’m not ingrateful.  But I’m not insensitive.  I know out there you laugh at me as you recall how I almost begged for alms because I was hungry and broke…But this will serve as a challenge for me to clean up this mess in order for me to totally move on.  While doing that, I’ll work really hard, achieve my dreams.  And if, in the future, we will all meet again, I’d be able to include them in my “acknowledgments” and make them feel that I’ll be forever thankful while moving on and they can be forever proud and stay that way forever.

To those who literally said I’m UGLY:

I can still remember, when I was younger, at our old house, he told me not to show an angry face at him because I have an ugly face.  He is the biological father…which means I’m his flesh and blood.  Does that mean he’s ugly, too?  How come now he is like a total playboy acting as if he’s Sam Milby or whoever heartthrob?

Sis told me this one.  She was once asked by a faculty member way back in high school, “So [me] is your sister? God is indeed fair in creating things.  You’re not as bright as [me] but you’re more beautiful than her.” My sister was younger back then and perhaps a bit immature.  But I applaud my sister for coming up with a realization: she’s a teacher, she teaches students not to compare people but she did it any way.  Correct! Ma’am, pasensya na at ako’y hindi nakapuno sa inyong panigin.

Here comes someone who waited for me to turn my back at them and gave her relative an unsolicited advice telling him to look for someone who looks good just like him.  The relative told me it was just a joke.  But I am pretty sure it was seriously meant.  Now, each time I hear her name, or each time I see her face and other updates via FB, her “joke” rings back at me.  I understand writing this can mean that I’m guilty.  In the first place I never said I’m beautiful.  That, however, doesn’t give anybody a ticket to humiliate me or to talk behind my back.  Manang, when you said your son chose a beautiful GF does that mean your son is ugly, too?  I will make sure mamatay ka sa inggit each time you see an update in my FB and in my real life!

For all of you, when we meet again, you’ll eat your words!

To those who dislike my presence:

I know mood swings.  I understand hormonal imbalance.  But these can not always excuse one from making hurtful remarks…especially if it’s made publicly or in the presence of students or SAs or other faculty members.  That does not only  intentionally disgracing a professional but also a total show off of one’s professional jealousy.  I came to work and earned my position as well as the current trust and applaud by the people around me through hard work.  I never work to impress.   It’s no longer my fault if I’m younger, have better things than what you have, show more enthusiasm, have better ideas, etc.  If you are at your happiest and if you are at your brightest, I was NEVER jealous!  In fact, I was genuinely happy for you.  Even if you intentionally excludes me from your activities perhaps to avoid the discovery of my hidden talents that will might as well threaten whatever is left for you as of the moment, I still support you in your activities…ako lang gani kis-a gasupport sa imo di ba while the rest are busy for you?  Teaching good values is part of your job.  You handle Analytical courses.   I hope you also learn the value of choosing the right words and analyzing things first before you allow your mouth to dominate you!

Ikaw naman, pasensya na sa mga hindi matutuloy na negosyo.  No one trusts my being with the 2 of you e! Kasi they said I’m better off alone.  They also added that you’re all good lang at the best and when worst comes to worst or when you have nothing else to juice out from someone, you usually dump them na lang.  I don’t want to use the word USER.  That is either an understatement or an exaggeration!  Pero after what you did to me sa M&Co, looking at how you gathered them to make simple things as biggie as you want them to be, it’s time to cut the friendship for good and just deal with all of you professional.

I can’t trust you also…in the same way that you might not be trusting me at all.  I feel no negative feelings towards you before.  Strange, because lately I can feel the gush of mistrust, fake humility, jealousy, etc.  You have the kind of finacially-stable life that you always make the kids feel.  Aren’t you busy enough that you have the time to make patol sa pareho ko?

Looking at you makes me feel sick.  Idol ta pa man ka tani sa pagiging maalam and sa pagiging maagap.  I’ve always to know your secret how you keep up with the deadlines.  But with the way you smile, the way you look at me, and who knows what else that you do behind my back, you’re such a fake from head to toe!

Ikaw naman Ms. Librarian.  Grabe manugsumalangay kita sa dalan naglikaw gid sya ba.  I know taga-pihak ka.  Pero nag expect ko b nga as old friends paiway mo anay ang pagtabuk and chika ta anay kadali sa same side sang street.  At work, bisan kita duha gainteract gapanubo gid ko sa imo.  Bad trip ka gid nga sang una sang wala wala pa ko nakikishare lang ko sang pinanindahan mo? When you see me again at work, I’ll make sure I won’t beg for your glance not even for your attention or recognition.  I promise, from now on, you’re someone I never met!

I will work hard to get that license.  I will finish that degree.  I will get that brand new one.  I will finish my current project.  And in all my success, you will just know it but will never be part of it!

To those who are angry at me after hearing other people’s stories:

Sa campus pa lang, nagkadlaw ka gid sa storya nya no?  Sya nga nagsinggit sa mon during class kay siguro bad trip gid sya nga classmates kami and yet d nya matake nga ang natsismis nya nacontest sya sa solution nya sa very basic problem.  Abaw nakapag abroad na gali kamo.  Tani happy na kamo sa life nyo subong.  I doubt if mauntat na kamo sang libak and paghimo sa kon laughing stock.  D bale, d ko magbato, wala pa man ko inugbato kay indi pa man pareho sa inyo akon life.

Ikaw nman nagwonder gid ko nga gin invite mo ko maapply sa inyo…Head ka na gali didto no? Happy for you…really I am.  Pero sang una daw nagsimpatya ka gid didto sa isa nga ha nasinggitan ko gali?  Oh my wala ko gid to ginhungod and that was really unintentional.  Pero gin add nyo gid to sa Thailand stories ko no?  Pati pagpapirma ko clearance ginhambalan nyo pa ko nga bisan magpakamatay ko sa atubangan nyo indi nyo pagpirmahan clearance ko.  Ginpersonal nyo gid ko ba.

To all of you, I’ll take things personally, too.  But unlike all of you, I’ll use everything as challenges.  Someday, one day, makibot na lang kamo!

This list can go on longer and longer.  But perhaps time helped me heal the other wounds.  For now, isa lang promise ko sa self ko:

“Sa tanan nga nagpafeel sa kon sang kagamay ko financially, physically, and morally, indi ko lang kamo pagtapatan, lalampasan ko pa kamo!”