I’m someone who is very transparent.  Wearing a poker face is very difficult for me.  Maybe because I was never raised in an environment where I have to be two-faced or to be “plastic” or to be fake.  When I’m at my lowest, whether hurt or in pain, I could cry a river.  When I’m angry, I’m either quiet and calm or wild and crying.

For the past years I’ve been toying with the idea that:

Immediately upon posting some pictures, someone from the background will go crying to explain himself.  Kasi naman matapang pa may kasalanan na nga.

Even though I have posted photo evidences, I won’t be able to convince everybody especially those who don’t care about the issue at all or those who already made their decision as to whom they should believe.  Maglulupasay man ako to prove my being the victim I will just end up hurting myself more because I was with the wrong audience…I was in enemy’s camp.

I got fed up with the false accusations.  So a blogpost was made.  I’ve already expected various reactions.  But on top of these expected reactions I didn’t know why I was having this gut feeling that those whom I thought would change their mind & their belief now that both sides were disclosed would dislike me.  Syempre mas close sila dun sa isa kesa sa kin.  Mas paniniwalaan nila yung isa no matter what.

When I got tired of waiting for my payment I opted to expect a sincere apology.  After an event I received something that I thought would end up this turmoil…I thought that was the most responsible action of someone who is now ready to admit his fault.  But at the back of my mind, looking at the very strange email, I know that what’s happening is too good to be true.  That this person, just like the others in his side, believe that I was still the same timid, calm, quiet person that they can just simply made to believe about this or that without second thoughts.  Akala siguro wala namang tsansang pumunta ng Manila to for some reasons.  It’s really interesting if people underestimate me🙂

That although they were smiling at me or talking to me, their actions and words make me feel that they’re trying to evade the topic.  Words are sometimes used to convey the message of the other party to me without even allowing me to share or to air out my own grievances.  Yun bang sya lang pwede magreklamo.  Sya lang ang pwedeng umiyak and OK lang if he denies everything.  None of these people, who called me their friends, ever asked me about my side.  If I was hurt, kung ako ba napahiya din, kung OK lang ako, etc.  Minus the drama, I understand that these people are obviously not on my side.

Few may start a simple topic but surprisingly those who are new to my set of acquaintances would react in a way that implies their knowledge of the issue.  In short, may alam sila.  Sino’ng nagsabi?  Sino’ng nagkwento?  It’s possible then that behind my back these people are talking about the issue.  And it’s clear to me whose side are they with.

Marami pa to…Di ko na nga lang maalala kasi taon na ang nakalipas.  But instead of doing something to make me feel better, these people insensitively keep inflicting pain on me thinking that I’ll be OK no matter what they do to me because they know that all I can do is just rant, blog, and perhaps feel the pain….nothing else.  They abused the fact that it’s just me who fights for myself and no one else.  If their bes is clever enough to refuse payment unless I present SIGNED DOCUMENTS showing his intent to borrow money from me, these people are also as clever because each time I corner them with truth and facts about the issue to the point that I’m about to show them that I’m angry they always find a way out.  Minsang nga may paawa effect, pakunsensya effect, relive-the past effect pang nalalaman.

THE CONFIRMATION

Just yesterday I got fed up with them ignoring my plea.  I didn’t want to sound like I was counting but it feels so bad that when they were in need I was there and I gave them my all.  But that time, when it was me who is already in need, they ignored me. So there I was completing the text and finally I hit SEND.

The husband opted to reply on her behalf.  It was expected.   He expressed his ill feeling over the “ignore” thing.  Again, that was expected.  Although he apologized for being rude, I can still sense the sarcasm – something that was already known to me through other people’s stories.  Kaya, again, that one was expected.

I didn’t like the idea of fake people calling me friends.  Pinag-uusapan nyo ko nang nakatalikud ako, friend?  Ni hindi nga kinuha side ko, friend?  Bias, friend?  Niremove nyo tagged picture of the bank receipt, friend?  Ah, nagalit siguro kasi bull’s eye.

Speaking of the tagged picture, mapacontest yata ng “Who’s telling the truth?” Kasi naka on que daw for approval.  Interesting kasi yung ibang pictures nga posted naman agad without approval.  Hmmm siguro natiming sa changed of privacy settings nya.  Mas interesting kasi nakatag pa rin even if the album is already only viewable by me.  Posible ba na hindi niremove ang tag, niremove lang sa profile.  Sige, pagbigyan.  No sense in wasting time over people who focus their attention on petty things over a bigger issue.  Hindi kasi naaddress yung story about him accusing someone else as the starting point of the war.  Yung cake sponsorship gusto ko rin sanang iopen up kasi iba yata stories ng either side🙂 But here comes the most shocking – yep you heard me right I was really shocked – was when he mentioned about me blogging about the tagged picture.

You mean to say affected talaga kayo sa blog ko? You mean to say totoo hinala ko na kayo mismo ayaw dun sa blogpost ko against your bes? Why did you not express your disgust over the post to me frankly?  Meaning all this time you were just smiling at me but with complete dislike over what I wrote on that post?

Sige, pagpalagay natin na hindi ako nagpost.  If you really considered me as your friend, will you do something?  Would you be taking some time to reach out to me to know my side?  E d ba nga kayo mismo nagsasabi na “magbalikan ulit kami”?  Pano magbabalikan ang taong hindi naging sila?  Does that mean that he told you that we were an item one time and without knowing my side you immediately believed him?  Pareho dun sa guts nyo to tell me na napahiya sya without even knowing if ako ba napahiya din?

Kung hindi ako nagpost, it will be a confirmation of this people’s belief about me.  Sorry, marunong din akong lumaban.  Siguro inexpect nila na tatahimik lang ako, na hahayaan ko na lang.  I can imagine the enjoyment in their face and the total belief while listening to the false stories of their bes.  Isang sabi nga lang na nagHK bilib agad e. So ano kaya pwede nyong naitulong sa kin for me to ease the pain of being used and betrayed if I didn’t blog about it?

That and more, you tell me now, if you’re all worth a space in my Facebook account?

Nabad trip ka kasi niremove ko kayo sa friends list ko?  Babaw mo pre.  Bad trip ka kasi pinagsabihan kayong nang iignore sa taong minsan tumolong din sa inyo?  Bull’s eye ba?  Nabad trip ka kasi ako na mismo nagsabi na hindi tayo magtawagan ng friends?  Ayaw mo nun makakapagpahinga na kayo sa acting nyo?  Bad trip ka sa blog ko?  Ngayon mababadtrip ka na for sure kasi andito ka na.  Why emphasize your name?  Hindi po nakakalimutan ang mga tulad nyo🙂

NYO? KAYO? SILA? Bakit nga ba maramihan?  Dapat kasi one person lang ang kaaway ko.  Unfortunately, sila palang lahat nag uusap against me.  Today nga, right after the incident, interesting na nagsama ulit sila🙂 Alangan namang breakfast lang ang pinag usapan nila.  Magpakatotoo na lang tayo.  Total naman exposed na lahat.  Nag enjoy ba kayo?

END OF WAR

I got the confirmation that I need.  Things were a lot clearer to me than before.  I felt a sense of peace when I was slapped with the truth that all my gut feelings were indeed for real…an added insult to injury…Sobrang sakit…sobra…😥

One of these days, I’m pretty sure they will pass by this blog to check on my posts regarding what happened.  After seeing these and the other posts, I’m sure they will talk about it again over coffee, over cococrunch :D  Nonetheless, this is just fulfilling his prophecy na “iblog ko” so wish granted😀

At this point, I’m very angry.  I’m furious.  My head aches and I’m having chest pains.  Chills.  Nails becoming grey.  Shivers.  Good thing I have great people who may not be physically present but are doing the best they can to show the care.  I’m not soliciting pity or sympathy; rather, I’m in need of advice to tell me what to do to stop them from hurting me.  You know what’s painful?  They’re enjoying life as if they never hurt anybody.  What’s more painful?  They mask their evil actions with religious quotes.  Was wondering if they remember

Psalm 37:21
The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives

I’m sure they do.  In fact I expect them to respond with another Bible verse🙂 Indeed, when it is a question of money, everyone , even the ones you thought your friends, is of the same religion.

Napakamanloloko nila!
Napaingrateful!
Nang sila ang nangailangan nandun agad ako pero ngayon sobrang pahirap ang ginagawa nila sa kin.
Ang sama sama nila!

As for myself, I hope I can get over this soon.  Now it’s clear that other than denying it no one plans to pay me.  No one cares even if I am at my lowest.  No one wants to remember what I did for them in the past.  Everyone is busy covering up their lies, their evil acts, and they will surely stand by it no matter what.

Forgiving and forgetting will be easier said than done.  What’s certain is that this experience made me stronger.  I still aim for justice.  I’m even wishing for instant karma.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m sober enough to know that vengeance is not mine.

Romans 12:19 says
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

As I park my cursor here, I put an official and complete end to my connection to them.  The case is still not close but I know that Karma is now working its way towards whoever deserves it.